The Beauty Of Uncertainty
by thecon12
Summary: My attempt at trying to figure Callie's mind out in episode 5.5 Callica


**The Beauty Of Uncertainty**

Uncertainty, doubt, indecision, hesitation…it doesn't matter what I call it because in the end it's still the same bitch of an emotion that is currently plaguing my mind. It's like being on one side of a tightrope and knowing that you have to take the risk to walk across it before you can reach the other side safely.

Well I'm still currently stuck on the side of the rope I started on, only I've dared to walk a few steps along it before hurrying back to my platform…it's wavering and unnerving to be so unsure of something that seems so stable.

I'm inexperienced at this in more ways than one, I haven't walked along this rope before and even if I do I'm not sure it'll be the right thing to do…What if along the way I wobble? What if I loose balance? Will I fall? There's too many risks and not enough answers…there's no reassurance that things will work out…And it's that uncertainty that keeps me from closing my eyes, taking a deep breath and believing without a doubt that I can easily walk from one end of the tightrope to another.

After my first night with Erica, well sort of…I pretended to be asleep until I was sure she had drifted off; her arm was draped lazily across my waist and our legs were tangled together in a web of questions. I watched her for most of the night; replaying over in my head the moments of our friendship that had drew us together, that had brought on these feelings and led us to be lying closely together in my warm bed.

But no matter how much I replayed it over, no matter how I analysed it in my head the only coherent thought I kept being left with was how uncertain this all was. Me being able to make friends with Erica Hahn? That was uncertain…no way did I envisage that that would be something that would happen. Me developing an attraction to Erica Hahn? That was uncertain…not for one minute did I think I would have feelings for a woman, they were just there like a sudden punch to the gut; it shocked me and made me stumble but I didn't fall down. What happened between me and Erica Hahn last night? That was definitely uncertain…

I slid out of bed before my alarm was due to go off and hurriedly showered and changed for work; glancing at her peaceful sleeping form one last time before silently leaving my apartment like a well trained burglar who didn't leave any evidence that they'd been there.

Everyone has a person…the one they talk to when things get tough and confusing and if she was still here Addison would be that person for me. I think about picking up my phone and calling her but something holds me back; maybe it's because she was so sure that Erica and me were a couple before, that now that we might be I don't know if listening to her will help. Then there's Erica who is my person too, we can talk endlessly and she's better at giving advice than she looks…but you can't ask your person for advice on what to do about your person so that leaves Mark.

He looks wrapped up in the article on Shepherd when I find him but I don't have time to listen to him babble on jealously about how Derek has an approved clinical trial and he doesn't. Instead I go for telling him exactly what happened between me and Erica; if there's one man who knows sex and by that I mean really good sex it's the man-whore here.

But Mark's Mark and that means completely unhelpful…he grumbles at me for taking away some of the hotness of two woman getting it on and quickly leaves me alone in the on-call room with my mind endlessly playing last nights events.

I pick up my chart and let out a sigh of irritation; today sucks! I'm swamped with patients and Bailey is using chief resident to her advantage by- "Hey, you okay?"

Blue eyes are glimmering happily at me and the irritation I was feeling quickly changes into something entirely different. I glance down at my chart feeling unable to hold Erica's gaze, "Erm…Bailey took all the surgical residents and interns, so I'm stuck with the psych interns; not the sharpest."

"Okay you're busy, I'll be brief…I was thinking if you weren't on call tonight, that erm that maybe we could erm go to my place, order in dinner, rent a movie," She's smiling at me as her eyes twinkle and I almost can't believe how relaxed she's being at work, that the feeling that settled into my stomach this morning when I left starts to bubble away making me feel sick.

"Tonight, you want to get together again tonight?" I try not to stutter; my mind is still trying to process her words.

She gives me a weird look for a second before smiling brightly again; her voice dropping slightly so she won't be overheard, "Well I had a lot of fun last night."

There's a shy smile on her face and I can feel my stomach turning over as my heart sinks a little. So Erica had a good enough time to call if fun? She doesn't seem uncertain at all…she seems cool, calm and as sure as anything like she always does and it does nothing for the doubt swimming around in my stomach, "Fun…" I repeat the word because no words come to mind on how I feel about it; I'm officially in some kind of hell.

"Anyway just let me know," she sends another warm my smile my way and I swallow the lump of guilt in my throat.

I normally can't wait for lunch; it's the time me and Erica sit together and chat about everything and nothing but today's different and I check the surgical board first to check when she's in surgery. I decide to grab lunch while she's operating because I'm not sure I can face her…It's not that I don't want to see her it's that I don't know how I feel about everything and it's clouding my every thought; my worst fear is to say something out of tone to her when she's so careful with my emotions.

I find Mark sitting alone in one of the conference rooms and decide to take my lunch in there, who knows maybe this time he'll hear me out and actually help. I tell him about Erica enjoying last night and how she wants to get together later but he's still not having any of it; he doesn't want to help me…in fact he sucks for not being a man-whore professor to a young student.

I lift my x-ray up onto the lighting screen and study if for a few seconds before letting my eyes flutter shut and a sigh escape my lips as I rest my hand against the wall to brace myself; needing anything to hold me upright. I'm willing the clogs in my mind to slow down and carefully process my thought pattern into some sense when I hear the door open. My eyes focus back on my x-ray and I see her smooth milky white hands place an x-ray next to my own.

I can't look at her because I know if I do I'll see soft blue eyes that always sparkle that fraction more when I'm around; I cause the warm smile that dances across her lips and I'm the one who can take it away in an instant, "I've got a CABGged in an hour, want to get some coffee?" I feel her hand slide against my lower back; it's a simple gesture that shouldn't have my blood pressure rising to boiling point but it does; it's intimate…my blood's drumming against my ears and my throat feels like it's closing up-

"I'm not cut out for this," I turn towards her and I'm grateful that her hand drops back down to her side; my eyes settle on everything in the room but her.

"Coffee?" she sounds almost amused and my brown eyes lock onto her blues.

"No, this…" I gesture between us and my eyes flicker away from hers again, "The touching and the…sex with a girl, I…I just can't do it…I thought I could…but…." Her gaze is burning my skin; I feel it everywhere and it physically hurts.

"But you did do it; I don't understand…," Her eyes are on mine and I give her a little shrug because there's nothing I can say; there's no words for this horrible moment between us, "Oh…It wasn't good for you," She doesn't say it as a question but I know she wants me to answer it anyway; I purse my lips together and shake my head, the certainty she had drains from her face as her eyes glimmer in pain; her voice wavers and she suddenly looks as if she was almost to the other end of the tightrope only to be knocked off it by a powerful wind at the last minute…only this time I'm the wind and I'm shoving her off it and letting her fall.

She looks at me for a second before turning back to her x-ray; pulling it down and leaving the room; leaving me alone to suffocate in myself. I don't care what anyone says, it's more painful to hurt someone than to be the person that gets hurt…and what I just did…the look in Erica's blue eyes…she didn't need to say another thing because I know that I've just cut her open and she's bleeding out.

I'm at the nurses' station giving Olivia some instructions on a couple of my patients when I see Erica again; she settles on the other side of the nurses' station and begins to fill in her charts. I watch her and she must know because she shuffles uncomfortably for a few seconds before finally lifting her eyes to mine. She purses her lips together and gives me a sad smile before returning her focus to her chart. I want to hurry to her side and pull her into my arms and whisper all the things I should have said to comfort her in the x-ray room earlier. I open my mouth to call out her name when her pager goes off; I watch her lift it from her pocket and hurry away without looking at me.

I decide then that my fear; my issue of being uncertain isn't valid…it's not good enough and it's not a reasonable explanation for an excuse...I find Mark laying in the on-call room and I know he's sick of hearing about me and Erica but this time he's going to because I'm the one with a problem; not Erica. She's amazing and I'm not doing this right; it's all wrong and it needs to be right…I have to make it right…I have to learn to balance so that when I do step out onto the tightrope I can walk along it without a second thought.

I know that Erica's had a long day; she's had five surgeries and the last one lasted for five hours, so the first place she'd go is to unwind and the only place Erica Hahn unwinds in this hospital is the fifth floor on-call room. It's quiet and most of the residents and interns avoid it because they know that it's the one the attending's use and who wants to chance waking up an attending and pissing them off? No one…

I open the door quietly and see Erica leaning against the bed railing; her head down as she flicks through a medical magazine. I don't say anything in that moment because I'm content just to watch her and every second that passes that she's unaware of my presence I feel the certainty building inside my body.

The door clicking shut draws her attention and she turns around to see who has disturbed her quiet; her face going from relaxed to worried as she sees me standing in the room; well it's time she stopped being worried and it's time I stopped being afraid, "Take off your pants."

Her brow furrows and I see her hands tighten on the magazine; crunching it up as she tries to figure out what the hell is going on, and who can blame her; I've hardly been clear. Her blue eyes widen in question and she shakes her head as if she can't believe she's hearing me right, "Excuse me?"

".." I give her a smile that I hope lets her know that I'm in no way joking. But she's still looking at me like I've gone crazy so I give her a little more to work with, "We're trying this again," I give her what I hope comes across as a sexy smirk and grip the bottom of my scrub top lifting the light blue cotton away from my body and over my head. Her eyes are watching me in curiosity but the corners of her mouth are pulling up in a smile so I think she gets it, but just to make sure she does I throw my top across the floor and smile playfully at her.

I lock the door and slowly move towards her; letting my fingers run down her arms before taking the magazine from her hands and throwing it onto the floor next to my top. Blue eyes let me know that she's still not sure what's happening, so I drop my hands to the hem of her scrub top and begin pulling it up; she catches on in time and lifts her arms for me to pull the dark blue material away from her body. Before she can lower her arms I entwine my fingers with hers giving her hand a reassuring squeeze before letting my fingertips trace down her arms and then across her ribs to settle on her hips; her own arms falling down to her sides.

Her eyes have fluttered closed and I take the opportunity to lean in to kiss her; my nose brushes hers and before I get the chance to connect our lips; her eyes flicker open and she tilts her face away from me; her hands coming up to curl around my wrists and pulling my hands from her hips, "Callie-" She stops; biting her bottom lip and her eyes search mine desperately, "You said you can't do this and now I-"

I raise my finger to her lips silencing her; giving her a smile, "Shh…I know what I said earlier and I was wrong; I'm sorry," I use my index finger to trace over her lush rosy lips and move my other hand back to her hip; my fingers squeezing gently as I lean forward to place a soft kiss on her pouty lips; her eyes stay on mine as I pull back and I can see her mind whirling as she stares at me in confusion. I move back in towards her and start a trail of kisses along her jaw; I hear her breathe out but her hands stay still at her side making me pull back to look at her, "Erica-"

"I don't know where to put my hands..." she quickly blurts out; her eyes a shade darker but confusion still lingering on their surface, "I mean I obviously wasn't doing it right last time-" I cut her off by pressing another chaste kiss on her lips; pulling back to smile at her, "Cal, we should talk about this…I don't want to get it wrong again-"

Suddenly I get it…what I said to her earlier in the x-ray room…she thinks I was blaming her; she thinks the reason I told her I couldn't do it was because of her. I lift my hand to twiddle with a lock of her golden hair; revelling in the silky feel of it between my fingers and wonder how she ever thought I meant that she was the problem; my eyes hold hers, "You didn't get it wrong the first time," I drop my hands to hold hers and lift them up to place them on my waist; leaning in to nuzzle the soft skin of her neck; the smell of her perfume filling my lungs better than oxygen ever could. I breathe my words onto her skin; hoping she'll not only hear them but feel them too, "It was me; it's my fault…I was to tense, I was worried about getting it wrong…so just," I feel her fingers tighten their grasp on my waist; my control lost as my lips and teeth start kissing and nipping at her neck; my nails raking over her lower back, making Erica gasp in surprise, "Relax and do what feels right; because you weren't wrong last time Erica…"

I feel a hand travel up my back and tangle into my hair; her fingers grabbing a bunch of it and tugging gently enough to pull me away from her neck; her mouth coming together with mine for a kiss full of certainty. It's soft and slow and I take my time to simply savour the way she feels; her tongue runs along my bottom lip and I happily open my mouth to her; my own tongue dancing with hers and I hope she can feel my apology in our kiss.

My hands slide up her back and I fumble with her bra strap; it's a little clumsy and I feel her smile against my lips when I finally get it undone; she doesn't pull away and tell me that me not being able to open her bra on the first go is enough of a reason for us to stop; she simply kisses me again and I feel my stomach flutter; she doesn't care if I'm perfect at this…she just wants me and that thought alone is enough for a moan to escape my throat.

My lips move back along her jaw; my teeth nipping at her earlobe as my tongue runs along the sweet spot below it; my hands go to her breasts and I circle around her hardened nipples before rolling them gently between my fingers; teasing her enough to make her whimper…she did that last night too and it stole my breath away; it's a simple little noise but hearing it fall from her sweet lips again I can't help the shiver that runs through my body; everything about her is intoxicating and I'm certain I'm going to spend the rest of the night drunk on her.

Her nails are tracing up my spine and she clips open my bra on her first attempt; I suck on the pulse point in her neck to remind her that what she's doing is so very right; her hands move to my shoulders and push the straps down my arms letting the lacy garment fall away to the ground.

I move back to her mouth; kissing her with everything that I am; it's heated and ferocious but when I feel her hands pulling mine away from her breasts I pull back to look at her. She gives me a smirk and traces a finger down my neck, along my clavicle, between the valley of my breasts and settles on the ties to my scrub pants; her fingers slowly untying the knot. When she has them undone I expect her to pull at the waist band to loosen them enough to push down, but instead she lifts her hand to my face and brushes a piece of loose hair out of my eyes and cupping my cheek; her blue pools searching mine, "Are you sure?"

Three simple words murmured from her lips and I feel my legs turn to jelly; the way she cares how I feel never fails to blow me away. If I stopped her now and told her I wasn't in to this she wouldn't yell and she wouldn't cry…she'd help me dress and through her own pain she'd promise me things would be okay. I wish I hadn't made her feel like she had to ask me; I've planted a seed of doubt in her mind and I know she can hear it drumming in her ears every time she touches me.

"I'm sure Erica," I place my hands on her hips and walk her backwards towards the bed; communication has always been my flaw when it comes to relationships and I'm going to work on getting it right with her…but at this moment I think she needs me to dig out that seed from her mind and firmly remove it…I'm going to show her exactly how right she was and exactly how right this is.

She falls back against the mattress and I follow her completely; I'm hanging above her, looking down into beautiful blue eyes and I know that sometimes we have to stumble in order to learn to try again. I lower my mouth upon hers and we both moan in satisfaction as our naked chests press together.

Her hands instantly run down my back and grope at my ass; pulling me harder against her raised thigh. My head falls to her shoulder as her hands push at my scrub pants; I reach a hand back to help her get them off me as quickly as possible; my panties coming off with them.

Our mouths come back together and I suddenly become aware that she's only half naked, that needs to change right now…I kiss and lick a trail down her neck and chest; locking my eyes with hers as my tongue darts out to trail around her rosy nipples; her breathing is coming out in sharp pants and when I finally trail my tongue over her hardened bud and suckle it into my mouth her head drops down against the pillow; my name murmuring from her lips.

I continue my way down her stomach; nipping at her skin lightly with my teeth; her moans reaching my ears like a perfect melody. I tease her breasts with my hands as I use my teeth to pull her scrubs undone; scratching my nails down her ribs and hooking my fingers into her panties; slowly pulling them down with the dark blue scrubs; carelessly tossing them onto the floor.

I move back to her mouth; pressing the naked flesh of our bodies together as tightly as I can. Her white teeth are nipping at my bottom lip as her hands roam freely over my skin. I grind my hips into hers and she pulls away from my mouth letting out a throaty moan. I take this opportunity to blaze a pathway back down her body; taking my time to tease every part of her exposed flesh. When I place open-mouthed kisses along the inside of her thighs; my fingers tweaking her delicious nipples, her hips rise off the bed and I smile against her skin.

I trail my tongue along her neatly trimmed landing strip and her head lifts quickly so that her eyes can meet mine; a mixture of fear and curiosity flashing in them…I told Mark earlier that I _couldn't_ go down there with Erica last night…but I was wrong; it's not that I _couldn't_ it's that I _wouldn't_; but as my nostrils fill with a scent that's purely Erica Hahn and I see the evidence of how much she wants me…I lower my mouth to her core and slide my tongue against her warm, wet slit. I watch her eyes roll back as a moan of ecstasy escapes her lips; her head once again falling down against the pillows.

Her long surgeon fingers tangle in my raven lock holding me against her as I trace numerous random patterns against her clit. I would never have guessed Erica to be someone vocal in bed but every single touch of my tongue against her has her moaning and whimpering in delight.

I scratch my nails down her stomach and along her thigh; slipping my fingers into her inviting entrance. She moans my two favourite words, 'Fuck,' and 'Callie, as I begin to pump them rhythmically into her; her grip on my hair tightens and I can feel her body trembling…she's close and I know it. I graze my teeth against her bundle of nerves and suck at it as I curl my fingers; her walls instantly tightening around my fingers as her body goes rigid; her hips rising as she cries out her release.

I lick my lips devouring her taste as I begin my ascent up her body; nuzzling her stomach with my face as I cover her body with kisses. Her eyes flutter open and I smile at her; her pale skin is covered in a heated flush; her skin dampened by a sheen layer of sweat and yet she's never looked more beautiful.

She reaches up to cup my cheek and pulls my mouth down to hers; her velvety tongue stroking against mine and she moans against my lips; I'm pretty damn sure she can taste herself on me and from the way she sucks and nips at my bottom lip I'd say she likes it.

I feel her shift beneath me and before I can figure out what's happening I'm flat on my back and she's the one hovering above me. She leans back down to kiss me; her hands stroking up and down my sides; tweaking my breasts. My eyes flutter shut at the feel of her lips and fingertips dancing across my skin and I'm sure she's going to set my heated skin on fire…and what's better than that? I want to feel her touch bring me to life.

There are times in life when we doubt ourselves; where we doubt what we're doing is right…but the great thing about uncertainly is that eventually all the fears, worries, and questions holding you back fall away leaving you with the answers and then it's a choice whether we take them…well I might not have all the answers yet but the one's I do have; I'm taking; I'm trusting them while I get the courage to make my way across the tightrope to the other side…because if Erica's waiting for me there's no way I won't make it.


End file.
